A Sparkly Girl with Big Dreams, Pink Hair, and a Camera

I Heart Faces Photo Challenge:Let's Hear it for the Boys

2011-06-21T17:00:00.001-07:00

I entered this photo in I Heart Faces weekly photo contest. How could I pass up the opportunity to show off my boys!?! I have always wanted merry go round photograph of them in motion, and finally this year I did it! Granted I almost got sick with all of the spinning while looking through my camera (and I still feel a little queasy just looking at it) It is still one of my favorite photos of my them! Let's hear it for the boys! :)

Find out more about how to enter your own photographs in the I Heart Faces contests HERE.

We are still hoping to adopt (2 little girls from Haiti). Hopefully my photography business will continue to grow and hubby's novels will get published so we can move toward fulfilling all of these dreams. For now, I'm insanely in love with the dreams that walk around in the form of 3 fabulous little men I have the privilege of calling my sons!

Thank the Lord for a Change of Heart!!!

2010-03-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

OK, so I am over myself now.

Enough about my empty womb, cry baby pity parties. I'm done with it.

It is as though the scales have fallen from my eyes, and I can see. What began as a longing for more babies, turned in to a longing to adopt, which has grown into a love for orphans. I can try to explain it to you, but really...it's just a "God thing" I can say this: Thank God for getting my eyes off of myself!!!

I don't know how or when our family will grow, but I am asking God to bring us the children who need us. I can't look away from the fact that there are children who do not know the warmth of a mother's snuggly embrace, who have no father to make them feel safe and protected, no laughter with siblings. There are babies in dirty orphanages who no longer cry because they have already learned that no one will come. No one holds them and gazes at them in awe of their sweetness. There are children who need and are meant to have a mommy and a daddy who want them. My heart is expanding. I worry that my arms or our bank account are too small, but this is nonsense when my Father is the One who works miracles, and His love is deep for orphans.

Who knows what my family will look like years from now, and how diverse the faces may be of my sons and daughters. My heart gets giddy just at the thought.

crying day...

2010-03-25T09:40:00.000-07:00

Today feels like a crying day. I am still trusting in God's goodness, but I still feel sad. Waiting is hard. There are times when looking at the stuff we've been preparing for the girls keeps my hope alive. Then there are times that it almost seems to mock me, to make me feel like a poser, a wanna be.

I am 35, and that seemed kind of old to me when I was twenty-something, but I don't feel old now. I feel more mature and experienced, and in lots of ways more prepared. If you are one of those twenty-somethings reading this, I'm telling you...35 seems much younger when you get there. It seems like I was where you are just yesterday, and I woke up today with elementary aged children this morning. How did this happen? Where are my babies? I love these adorable young men in my life, but that doesn't mean I don't want more of the baby days.

It may seem to some that I should just "get over" this desire for more children. That somehow this ache in my heart for the last 6 years is nothing. The cold hard truth is...it's still painful to really acknowledge the fact that I will never again know the amazing feeling of a baby moving around in my womb. Someone else will be feeling those nudges, kicks, and hiccups as they carry the children who will one day call me Mommy. In all likelihood I won't even be able to feel that from the outside...and even if I were, I'm not sure I could really let myself feel excitement for fear that this would be another failed match. My emotions are raw today.

There is something harsh about being told you are finished having babies, instead of having a say in the decision. When you realize that either your baby's life, your own, or both would be at risk...the decision has already been made. I do know and accept that this is all a part of God's plan for us. I really am looking forward to our adoptions. I am certain that when we have the children we are waiting for here with us, I will only have a vague recollection of having ever felt this sadness...and even find myself thankful that God so surely shut one door so I could open my eyes and see the one would truly fill my heart. How I long for that time. In the mean time, the babies who cannot grow in my womb are growing in my heart.

I am trusting in my God, the one who gives us the desires of our hearts, and then fulfills them.

The Girls Have a Pink Room!

2010-02-08T19:40:00.000-08:00

As you know from my earlier posts, I have always been the type of person who had to know how things would work out before I even wanted to try anything. I can honestly say, I am not that person anymore. I feel a bit like I have lost my mind, but I also feel more alive and it feels good...I painted our girls' room. We still don't have a match with a birthmom or anything. I just feel like God has been teaching me to be ready. When I missed the call on the baby number the other day, I asked God what He might want me to learn through that. I think the lesson for me was to be ready to receive, not to go on living life as if I am not expectant. So, off I went to Home Depot and picked out my Fresh Pink Lemonade paint color, and was headed to the check-out. I have to admit, I was feeling kind of foolish, and then this sales lady stopped me and tried to get me to sign up for a credit card. She asked me about my paint, and I told her we are hoping to adopt 2 baby girls soon. She was so excited! She went on to tell me that she was adopted when she was 3 days old and how she has been blessed by it her whole life. She is now 63... She pulled out a business card and told me to call her when we get our babies because she was going home that night to start knitting them each a blanket!!!! I told her that we don't even have a birthmom in contact with us yet, but that did nothing to her dim her excitement. As I was painting the girls' room today, I was again feeling kind of weird like maybe this was all a little (or a lot) premature, and it was as if God said, "Sweetheart, don't feel crazy for preparing for these girls, I even got a total stranger to go home and start making them blankets :) " So, some people may think I am crazy...I say, I am just getting ready to receive.

A Lesson in Trust

2010-02-05T14:18:00.000-08:00

I am learning every day about trusting God. Most days I end up realizing I don't trust Him as much as I thought I did, but I also realize that I really do want to trust Him more. The day before Andrew's birthday we got a call from our "baby number" and it was an agency hoping to place a newborn girl with us. She would have been my daughter if we had $25,000 or so ready to hand over...but the Lord (and pretty much everyone else) knows we don't. We thought we were eliminating the possibility of having to turn down a child because of money by going the much less expensive private route. I guess not. I do believe that if God wanted that baby to belong in our family, the birthmother could have found us herself. I know that one day I will hold the specific child God has planned for me to mother, and I will be thankful for every bump in the road that led us to each other.

Then 3 days ago, I missed a call. Yes...I MISSED a call. I have been so good about keeping my phone with me at all times so that I can stop whatever I am doing and answer it if I hear the "baby number" ring. Now, before you call me out on not answering when you call me, know that I don't stop what I am doing if I am busy unless it is the baby ring. I am sorry, but that's the way it is :) Anyway, I forgot to put the phone by the bed one night and sure enough, I missed a call early that morning from the baby number. All we know is that it was a number from Boston, and they haven't called back. Who knows if it was a birthmother, a wrong number, or what, but as you can imagine I kicked myself for not having the phone near me when the call came in. I have to trust yet again that God is sovereign. I have to believe that one little careless mistake will not keep me from the life God wants for our family.

I do have a bit of exciting news...I found the crib that I really wanted on sale at Target this last weekend! There had been all of these conversations with Toby about whether or not to get one now...or maybe even get 2 so they would match. It seemed a little crazy to think of buying 2 when we don't even have a match with a birthmother at all yet, but I also realize that the call from the agency could have just as easily have been from the birthmother, and that baby was due the day before the call came. We would have had very little time to get anything together. So, back to the point...the crib I wanted was on sale $20 off AND it came with the best mattress FREE! They had 2 left, and we bought them both! It feels great to have those for our girls already...a little crazy, but GREAT.

waiting to be chosen

2010-01-08T13:48:00.000-08:00

It is official...our profile is out there for birthmoms to look at. We have set up our toll free number and have begun the REAL waiting. There is no way to know how long or how short our wait will be. I just want to keep enjoying life throughout the whole process. I am not waiting for the girls to come into my life to make it wonderful or complete...I already have a wonderful life. I am very excited to think about what life will be like with them in it, but my happiness doesn't have to wait for that time. I guess this is what contentment feels like.

I hope it lasts :)

Not by Might and Not by Strength...

2009-12-04T09:53:00.000-08:00

Well, today is a new day. I still woke up before 5 a.m. for no real reason, but it has been a good morning overall. I've been thinking about a lot. The Bible has a lot to say about not being afraid, about trusting God, about not worrying, about God's love for us, His provision for all that we need, the fact that He knows the plans He has for us...plans of hope and a GOOD future, it tells me that even death has lost its sting because for me, it is not the end. It tells me that when something happens by His Spirit, not by our might or strength...the grand mountains that would normally cause someone to turn back, re-route, or at least go the long way around, just lie down flat!

I am asking God to show His glory through this journey, that we would all be unable to deny that His Spirit led the way. So far, I can already see that this is happening. We are having our home study finished in 3 weeks from start to finish instead of the expected 6 months. We were referred to a Christian adoption attorney who was himself adopted and has fees far below what we had found anywhere else. We have found options which are "affordable" to present ourselves to birthmothers...avenues which do not involve waiting lists, and do not rule us out because we already have 3 biological children, or because we are not wealthy. God is making the way for us.

I know that when we get our home study report in our hands and get our profile posted, we are supposed to be ready to wait indefinitely...OR to walk out the door at a moment's notice to go get our daughter(s) from a hospital. I hope that God does the unbelievable and brings our girls to us faster than anyone could imagine...that even grand mountains would lie down flat.

Intertwined Already

2009-12-03T19:02:00.000-08:00

Can I just say this is hard ?...I have a tendency to be afraid, to think about all of the things that could go wrong, to worry about making sure everyone understands and approves my decisions. I have never been a spontaneous person. I over-analyze things. The pros vs. cons list is constantly playing in my mind...about EVERYTHING. It is exhausting. Lately, fear has been trying to chase me down. I will just be sailing along enjoying my journey with God, and actually decide to dive on in. Then, one thing happens that stirs up all the muck on the bottom and suddenly it is like I can't see my hand in front of my face. I feel confused and scared and can't see my way. It seems to take a long time for all of that muck to settle once it gets stirred up. Fear is nasty that way. It comes in through something small and spins up a cloud of doubts. The Bible says that perfect love casts out fear... Tonight my small group from church met at our house. While they were here, they prayed for our adoption. As one person in the group began to pray for our baby girls, I was overcome with the realization that my heart is intricately intertwined with theirs already. It was as if satan had been trying to keep me from seeing that...you know, REALLY seeing it. Maybe he thought that if he could keep me from seeing that, I might give up, that God's plan for us all might be derailed.
A prayer had been prayed over me earlier that I might really see, and I believe I did. I felt a deep love that only a mother has for her children, the love that musters up the kind of courage needed to spit in the face of fear to grab hold of your babies.

Home Study

2009-11-24T18:52:00.000-08:00

It is a whole new experience looking at parenthood through adoption. Each time before when we decided to add to our family, there was no one asking questions looking for proof that we would be good parents. Today we had a meeting for our home study. It went well...I think. We will have a home inspection and more interviews next week. I do understand the reasoning behind the process. I know if I were responsible for approving someone to raise a child, I would take it very seriously. It is just different. Many of the parents who are looking to adopt have been dealing with the inability to have biological children. Some have even spent all of their savings and even gone into debt trying to conceive. It's hard. Once you accept that you cannot carry a baby, then you have to convince others that you will be good parents in order to even get the opportunity to have a child (or more children in our case). There are moments when I feel strange going through all of the "adoption hoops," but I know that even these things are not too bad compared to the difficulties I had with pregnancy before the doctors said "no more". Even though there are many steps to be taken, I know in my heart there is nothing I wouldn't do for any of my children in order to have them here with me.

"pregnant" only, not...

2009-11-23T10:38:00.000-08:00

Someone I don't even know will be carrying babies who will be mine. It is exciting to think that they may even already exist. I feel the joy and expectation of knowing that I am going to be a new mommy all over again, but it is so different this time. I cannot chose whether or not my babies are exposed to medications, alcohol, even just getting enough protein to help them grow strong. I don't know if their birthmom(s) are taking prenatal vitamins or getting enough rest. I don't know if she'll get the swine flu vaccine or see a doctor when she should. I don't know if she will welcome the drugs I chose not to take while in labor with my boys.

But what I do know, is that I am learning to let go. I have learned that any feeling of being in control is only an illusion. I am learning that I do not have to know everything, even though I've heard it told that even as a child, I wouldn't take a step until I knew I could make it across the room, and wouldn't say a word until I could say a whole sentence. I am not that girl anymore. I realize that you cannot go on adventures with God if you insist on knowing (and approving) all of His plans. He doesn't work like that. Trusting Him has lead me to some amazing places that otherwise I never would have gone. Adoption is one of those places. You cannot really step into the process of adoption and demand that you know how it will all turn out. There are so many unknowns, so many things that could "go wrong." Many of the decisions to be made are not yours to make. Many of the questions you have cannot be answered until life plays them out. I have to just trust that as long as I am hanging on to God, I will be in the best place I can be. He promises to work everything out for my good. I sometimes wish it was a promise that He will work it all out for my sheer delight, but I'm also glad that He ultimately cares more about my heart than my happiness.

I am finding so much comfort and satisfaction knowing God sees those precious babies in the secret place as they are being knit together. He sees them and He knows them. He loves them. I believe that He sings over them just as it says in Zephaniah 3:17, and that is enough for me in this time that I cannot. I am looking forward with joy because I know my God already has each day of their lives written in His book before one of them comes to pass. One of those days... I will hold them in my arms, and I will be forevermore... their Mommy.